Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
