Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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