She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
