Umm I'm too high to move.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
