matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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