How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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