winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You are a genius and a whore.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
