apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
