I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
