Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Randomize