Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
