just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
