Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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