Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
