the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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