I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize