Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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