Who wears a wallet chain?!
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
