Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
