Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
