I wish I only lived at night.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
