My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Randomize
