That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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