Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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