How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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