oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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