I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize