dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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