i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
