Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
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