I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
