Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
