not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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