The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
