She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
