You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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