She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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