Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Randomize
