I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
