i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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