My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
