Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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