and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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