I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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