Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
