I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
