so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
