In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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