I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
