and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
