I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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