we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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