I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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