Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
