this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I want a musical about memes.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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