I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
