so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
