Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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