the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
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